Let's Talk Later
Let's Talk Later
Candid Conversations: The Parentified Child
Parentification, a term touching the very core of some of our shared experiences and a complex subject that brings up a whirlwind of emotions for us. What happens when children are thrust into adult roles prematurely, carrying a burden that should've been left for their later years? Join us, as we pull back the curtain on our own lives, exploring the dynamics of our mother-daughter relationship marred by the confounding roles we've had to play.
From Jaylah juggling roles as a sister, daughter, and an unexpected mother figure to her younger siblings, to the emotional impact of caregiver absences, this episode dissects the raw intricacies of our family dynamics. We delve into how Jaylah's grandmothers' declining health forced her into a premature caregiving role, and how Caprie's resentment of her own imposed adolescence has shaped her relationship with Jaylah. We also explore the various effects of parentification and how it can echo into adulthood, leaving long-lasting impressions.
As we journey deeper into this challenging subject, we underscore the importance of family bonds, the painstaking process of rebuilding them, and the striking impact adult conflicts can have on children. We shed light on the significance of knowing one's family, while emphasizing the necessity of maintaining boundaries during tough conversations. By candidly discussing mental health in the black community, unhealed trauma, anxiety, depression, and the need for open conversations, we aim to help others grappling with similar situations. Listen in as we navigate this deeply personal journey and explore resources related to parentification and its effects.
Resources:
What is Parentification? https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/mental-health/parentification/#:~:text=Parentification%20occurs%20when%20a%20child,child%27s%20physical%20and%20mental%20health.
Parentification: Types, Causes, and Effects: https://www.verywellmind.com/parentification-types-causes-and-effects-7090611
UCLA: Parentification Assessment: http://chipts.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/downloads/2012/01/Parentification_0.pdf
Hello and welcome back to let's Talk Later. I'm your host, Capri, and I'm Jaila, and today we don't have any prompts, we are just gonna have an open discussion. So we're gonna do things just a little bit different. Our topic today we are going to talk about that. The term is coined parentification. It's basically taking on adult responsibilities before you're ready to do so. So we're here, we're recording in the morning hours of the day and we've got some good energy.
Speaker 1:Jaila, as usual, I'm checking in. How are you feeling? Good, Good, Good. You know people we have to eventually record in person because visually, so you can see, Jaila's face is there. I can't get over it. But any who so jumping right in, we are gonna just share some experiences, Like I said, have open discussion and give you a little bit of background and just in this first season of let's Talk Later, it's getting to know us and our story and is who we are as individuals and as mother-daughter. So, yeah, jump right into it. Parentification so basically it's when caregivers look to their children for emotional or practical support rather than providing it themselves. Said child becomes parentified and assumes those adult responsibilities leading to the possibility of a number of factors into their adolescence and adulthood, such as codependency, stress, anxiety, feelings of self-doubt. The list goes on and on and on. So I think let's just start off by talking about our experiences. Jaila, I think I'd love to hear from you just regarding what your experiences were being and feeling parentified.
Speaker 2:I mean, I guess, growing up I didn't have siblings growing up until I was what, 10?
Speaker 1:Somewhere around there.
Speaker 2:That's when I found out that not only was I not the only child, but I had three younger siblings and we kind of just started to get to know each other and things like that. And my dad I don't remember. I think I met them before my dad got out of prison and then we kind of already built like a little connection, me and my siblings, and then he got out of prison, but at the time I would only see my siblings at my grandma's house, but she was really sick so it was hard for her to take care of three kids at a time, so I kind of had to step in and be the babysitter quote unquote while we were all at grandma's house and I don't know if, like, my siblings, feel that way, but I felt like everything relied on me, like cooking, cleaning. My sister needed to wash her hair. I had to teach her how to wash her hair, Not saying that their mothers weren't involved, but when they were at grandma's house it was oh well, Jaila is going to do it, figure it out, get it done.
Speaker 2:And I think that caused a lot of resentment towards, like a lot of people, especially my dad, because it's like God, I'm taking care of your kids that you didn't even have like the audacity to tell me about. Like I was raised thinking like it was just me, I don't know. I just feel like I lost a good chunk of my childhood because I spent a lot of time at my grandma's house, because I really like loved her and I wanted to be around her and I knew that it came with me watching my siblings. So I kind of just roughed it out.
Speaker 1:Okay. So just you know, for clarity, I think you mentioned like as far as the expectation, right? Do you feel like you just assumed that role? Or like, how did that look for you? As far as like, because I correct me if I'm wrong, though I don't believe someone said Jaila, this is your responsibility, right? And so how do you, why do you think you assumed that role?
Speaker 2:Because if I didn't do it no one would have did it. It would, just it wouldn't have been done, like not saying. Like grandma did as much as she could but she couldn't be as consistent because she didn't feel good, she had she was going through heart failure and sometimes getting out of bed was extremely hard for her and it was like, well, what are we gonna do Not eat? Like somebody's gotta do it, like somebody gotta make sure we eatin' something? Yeah, and I mean it was just kind of like they were younger than me, so it was either me or nobody.
Speaker 1:That's interesting, um, just in comparison. Like I mean, I had a kid right early. We already we've been over that, talked about that, but even still, I don't think I ever like I was told to do things. Not really, I don't think I ever assumed it. So it was just interesting the mindset of coming from because, like you, were an only child for me for the longest time and like, how did that feel? Like can you remember, like how you felt before you met your siblings and then after, just as a child and your responsibilities and what, just what I don't know, just your emotional journey was, you know, during that transition?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I was really like before meeting my siblings. I was kind of the younger sibling with Lee, and so I felt like a little kid, like oh, I could throw a tantrum, I'm gonna get what I want because I'm the girl and you know, you just have like oh, like just do you free, like you have nothing to worry about. Like I don't you just have nothing to like stress about anything. And the second, that like not the second. But after meeting my siblings I just felt like I had to grow up.
Speaker 2:Like it's no, I think that's I don't know, but I think that's when I realized like I start taking life serious, kind of being like hello, you ain't got nobody else to ask, so like for help right now. Like, bro, you better figure this out. Like I remember making chicken by myself, like putting it in the oven and being so worried Like I don't know how to make chicken, like I'm like 11 years old and I'm like stressed out about making chicken, whereas before this I was stressed out about Lee not wanting to play with me, like but yeah, it was like a life, like my life just completely changed. Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know what's even more interesting? You sound like me when I had you, like I released a child from my body and it was like, hey, life is serious, I got to figure this out. And something in your brain, like, did the same switch for children that weren't yours, that's. And if you hear any elevation in my voice, it's not that it's frustrating for me, it was before, but it's just. I think it's hard for me to understand and also Maybe it is a bit frustrating, and just because I remember these situations right, because I was there too.
Speaker 1:I mean, not there with them, but I would take her over there and I would always say, jayla, you don't have to take care of them, you don't have to do this, you don't have to do that. And I would talk to her grandmother and say, you know, jayla feels like she got to do it and I don't appreciate her feeling like she has to take care of these kids. But I don't know, I didn't know kind of what else to do because, like she said, she wanted to be there. You wanted to be there, that was your grandmother, you loved her and you wanted to have a relationship with your siblings and I wanted you to as well. So it was, I guess, just very complicated, just in general. But do you ever like? So two questions. The first question do you ever regret the way it all played out? Do you wish maybe I shouldn't have gone over there so much, or maybe I should have. I wish my mom wouldn't have let me go over there. I wish you know something different, you know?
Speaker 2:Yes and no, not to make it seem like everything over there was negative, because I still had like really good moments as a child, but it's one of those situations where it's like, did it do me more good than bad or did it do me more bad than good? Like I can't say, because it's like, yeah, I was I wasn't quote unquote forced to grow up, but kind of like, hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. And once again, I loved my grandma. So it's like, no, I wanted to spend as much time as time with her as I could. I think more, I regret more is not speaking up, like and telling, like, saying something to my auntie, to my dad, like yo, I'm raising these kids, help, do something. You know, maybe if they would have heard me say that, they would have been like dang, like we aren't really doing anything to help.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that was my second question. Did you ever say anything to your dad? Nope, like nothing at all. I mean, I feel like that's an unfair question. It's a question of curiosity, not like you should have said something. Because you were a child. You shouldn't have had to tell an adult that they weren't doing what they needed to do, but I'm just genuinely curious if you ever mentioned it.
Speaker 2:I don't remember, I don't, I don't feel like I did. Yeah, I don't know, okay.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean, maybe you didn't, I feel, I feel like I remember something, but it's cloudy and maybe that could have been an opportunity, a missed opportunity for me, because, although I talked to I talked to your grandmother about it, I didn't, I didn't. Yeah, it was, it was. It was a lot of friction, very tense, you know, between her father and I, for obvious reasons, and so it was. Yeah, there's a lack of communication there, but, yeah, you know, it's no, no point for, for regret, I guess, and that's why we're talking about it and feeling through right now. So, do you think, just in all of kind of all of the responsibilities you took on, like, how do you think they've affected you now?
Speaker 2:Oh, I always assume the mother role and all my friendships. Like everyone can always say oh well, if we need somewhere to go, we're going to Jaila's house. If we need something to eat, no Jaila going to cook. If we need somebody to take a picture, she going to take the picture. Like it's always been like this, like no one's making me do this stuff, but it's like I just have this now like motherly, like oh, it's fine, like I'll figure it out, like I'll help you, like don't worry about it, I got it. Like we're going to get through this. It's a good it was.
Speaker 2:It was a hard thing to have because at one point I would take on everybody's like emotions and everybody's problems and be like, oh my God, like I'm so drained because I'm taking everybody else's stuff in on top of my own stuff. And now that I've gotten older and I and I recognize this I'm not as mad as I used to be about it. I think it's a very good trait to have. I think it's very rewarding to hear people say like you're the person I go to, like I know I can always trust you and depend on you. I think that just shows how good of a person I am, so I don't like to think of it as like a negative anymore, and I do create my boundaries now.
Speaker 1:That's important. You definitely, even with me, you you like, in a number of ways, like you kind of take on that role, almost like I am the mom, right, and so I, you know, have my role. But Jaila will still like, kind of like mom me, you know it's, I'm like I, you know, and I think that's partially because I mean, yes, we in essence grew up together and so it's kind of like, while it's very mother, daughter it's, it's also a like a sister element a little bit, and good, bad, I don't know, depends on the day, I guess, but it's like mom, you know you shouldn't be doing that, mom. Why are you letting them say that to you? And mom, why are you not speaking and why are you not like? She's come in, like, like while I was working or doing something and you need to respond to that email and you need to say this and like, like, like, for real, I'm like, and it's crazy, because it's like the one part of me is like, get out of here, I'm your mama, and then the other part is like, is she right though, because I really should do these things. So, and then with her little brother, she's like I'm his mom when you're not here.
Speaker 1:This is, this is my second child. I'm like, but, jaila, I don't put that on you, you put it on, you take it on. Like I don't like even like babysitting. I like will think it over a lot. Like, should I ask her is this really important? When the last time I asked her how's her day been, I like think through like what she's told me and like it like like homework is like what she's doing with school, and be like, nah, I ain't going to ask her now, we don't need to go nowhere because I, just as far as, like I don't know, being parentified, I didn't assume the role of mother for my siblings.
Speaker 1:I also, jaila and I it's coincidentally, cosmically, universally, whatever. Our stories are very similar in that I didn't know I had siblings until I was nine, 10. No idea. And then I found, when I found out, there were already three others, you know. So it was like okay, and so I think that I can empathize with you in that space, because not only are you, were you finding out that you have other relatives that you knew nothing about. You're an older sister to these kids, but your grandma's also.
Speaker 1:Her health is declining, your dad is still absent and spotty and whatever you want to call that, so that I think that's a lot at one time, and maybe it was almost like your defense, like, okay, this, I never had this, so let me be this, and not that you never had a mother, but you never like the nurturing, supportive piece in that area, like, oh no, these siblings, because even today I feel, like you say that a lot like they can't feel what I felt, like you know, I didn't have my dad, I didn't have a dad like for a very long time, and so I have to make sure that I'm there for them because he's not here, you know, and he's not been here and all these things. And so it seems and feels like it was a number of things, because I know for me it was, I don't know it was for me it was actually kind of exciting because the same thing, just like you had Lee, I had Toya, so it was like, oh well, I didn't feel like a little like the only child because I had this like aunt who was like four years older than me, so it was like she was pretty much like my sister and so, but still, like I said, I never assumed like, oh, I gotta take care of them. Because that was I didn't live in the same household as them. We didn't meet at a grandmother's house or anything until like much later, where I moved in with two of them and my dad and his wife, and it was only you know, she cooked. I mean, we cleaned, like I had chores and stuff, but it was never like you gonna take care of these kids. The only thing it was like how bad. You know, no hard feelings if you listen it was like you gonna watch these kids.
Speaker 1:Like when they went somewhere or did something, it was like it's not a can you, it was a you're going to. It was like and my dad would literally say I'm not a babysitter and I'm like, but you're their dad, okay. And so that built some resentment because it was like I mean, I was already a mom, right, and so I had that responsibility. But at that time your dad was very active, your grandma was very active, and so when I had like a free weekend because they wanted you and they wanted to take you somewhere, I was being made to watch other kids. So I'm like I don't even have mine. Why am I being made to sit, still sit and still not be able to go and just do what I want to do. You know, maybe this weekend, huh, and so that built up some resentment, that built up some needs for outlet.
Speaker 1:And so I feel, like you know, my like teens, my like late teens, early 20s, I was careless because of that, because I was like I need to just not like, I need an outlet, and so I sometimes I got too drunk or sometimes I party too much or things of the sort, but I mean that's. I think you know that happens when your journey through your youth is interrupted, right, and not saying like and I'm saying that to you like it was interrupted very much for a lot of reasons, and so it's like you find ways to feel that I think, like you know, you're, like I said, partying and things, and for me it was a lot of partying, a lot of drinking, this careless stuff, relationships. So it's just really interesting how those stories are so similar. But, speaking of Lee, one day we really hope to have him on here so you all can hear from him, cause I think his story is also very interesting, cause he and Jaila were very close. People always thought they were sister and brother. You know, he looked nothing like they just both light skin, but they for the longest time, like they went to all the same schools, did everything together. You know, I just remember so many stories.
Speaker 1:Every time Lee got in trouble it was because somebody was messing with Jaila. He was chasing people around, he was trying to fight people because they were messing with Jaila. And I think I think you well, I mean I'm not making that assumption but Jaila, I think you said that like like at a certain point everybody knew you released cousin and like people really didn't say too much to you because he had built up that you know, if you talk to, if you say anything to her, you know this is what's going to happen. And he wasn't big and scary looking but he was quiet and I think you know people were like no, no, you're a little too quiet. You might be one of those quiet, crazy people. But yeah, he, I don't know if we can ever get him on the show, but it would be interesting to have him and ask him some questions.
Speaker 1:So I was reading through it's like a questionnaire from UCLA that they give to kind of assess how parentified you are, and they have some very interesting questions, and I say interesting because Jaila and I we reached a point in our relationship where, well, I think this came up on a previous episode in the podcast as well where you wanted to be more open with you because you could tell anyway when I was like stressed about something right, or if something was going on and I intentionally didn't share things. And so it's interesting on this assessment they have that there's. I'll read a couple of questions. So if you answer often or very often to either of these questions, that's the more parentified you were, and so a couple of them are. Your parents asked you for advice when making decisions. Your parents shared intimate secrets concerning relationships and or sexual issues with you. Your parents discussed their financial issues and problems with you. Your mother shared personal problems or concerns with you as if you were another adult.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know. I don't know that. I feel like that's probably for the generic family you give me, saying like we're not the, we're the modern day family, I would say. But a lot of these studies are done with white, traditional families A mother who was 40 years old and a daughter who was 15. They're, traditionally speaking, much more you know, traditional I guess, but like that I don't think those studies are done with parents who have children at 14 years old and we grow up together and it's just gonna be a completely different relationship, and those weren't things that in the beginning, you did not share these things with me at all.
Speaker 2:It was me who was like mom bruh, just tell me, bruh, like just tell me, because I just need to know. But yeah, so I don't know, I don't. When I see those studies, I can't apply them to us because we are not the traditional family that these studies were done, because I could also say the exact opposite too, though that your concerns are mine because we are so like. Like just remember, we were just talking about how I was like I can always feel your energy, like if you're stressed out, like I feel like I'm on edge, like it just makes me anxious. I just need to know what's going on so that I can just realize that this is not me feeling this stuff. This is just you going through your thing, though.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, and you're likely very right, it is a very different dynamic. I mean, I didn't look for the data so I didn't see, like the population that they surveyed, but you're probably right, it's a more traditional family, or I mean traditional air quotes for whatever that means. That are probably answering these questions, but it just struck me as huh, you know, like they're saying that if this happened then you were likely parentified.
Speaker 2:By the person, because I don't feel like you made me feel, like, like you know, like I had to be trying to think.
Speaker 1:Like you, like you had to take assume adult responsibilities.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I tried not to.
Speaker 2:That's why I'm like yeah, that's why this would be kind of like mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's others. I mean, well, this is I guess there are a lot of questions on here for, like you know, two parent households, so that's a difference, Well, but there there are also. The other half of the assessment is kind of a lot about what you said. As far as your siblings words, you baby sat your younger siblings when your parent or parents were away for more than 24 hours. You were the main person assuming responsibility. You were responsible for bathing your siblings, so just a lot of like yeah, there's, there's a good mix of questions. I guess it's like 32 questions on this assessment.
Speaker 1:They do it so, but I did want to point that out because I know that was kind of like our thing because you were the only child and I was, am still a very you know, I got it type of person, to my detriment, unfortunately, but I'm working on it and so I did and and be again because of you know, with the babysitting thing, because of my own experience, I've like tried to be very intentional about not putting adult responsibilities on you ever, but I do know that there were effects just maybe not the parentified effects, but there were effects, I'm sure, from my decisions as a young mom on you and that just I mean that just goes without saying. So, speaking back to siblings and kind of late discovery, I don't know if maybe you shared the number total of y'all is on this on the podcast. If you don't remember, if you're just tuning in, there are eight of them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, eight of the eight siblings and there are seven siblings and there are seven.
Speaker 1:For me, I think I think there are seven. So what do you think? Like I know for me, I am such a jay look on me a simp. I don't know if that's just for relationships or if that's just just in general. Okay, so I'm not a simp. She says just for relationships. I mean I am whatever. Anyway, I love love, just in general.
Speaker 1:I will watch movies about families, like this Christmas and what's the other one, now, why did I get married? Than people or family. But just anyway, just movies about like soul, food and stuff like that, families coming together and doing things together, and you know there'll be a group of sisters and brothers and they'll all get cabins and hollanda holidays and get together. They'll pop out of house. You know I crave and desire that so much and it's in. I've never really I've never had that. So it's interesting how I crave it so much. But but I do so is I mean, how's that for you? Like? Do you desire to have this kumbaya moment with all of y'all during the holidays, or anything like that? Nope, Okay.
Speaker 1:So why do you think?
Speaker 2:that is because I, I just feel, like you know that, saying where it's like, oh, it's too late to make things right. I know that, okay, okay, be very transparent here. I'm only close with my two sisters from my dad and my little brother from you. My other little brother, I don't know, I think it's going to. It's not that it's too late for me. With him it's more like I don't know like it's. It's just it's a lot to have to.
Speaker 2:You know, he was young, they he did not, probably did not realize the things I was going through with that family. You know, whereas Maya and I were old enough to kind of like remember what was going on, they probably didn't understand it. But with him I just be feeling like you're too young, you were too young, and I'm not going to beat down your dad, I don't want to hear about him, I don't want to. You know, things like that, like I don't have no problem with that, but I just feel like he's not going to understand where I'm coming from and I just rather not even do that to either one of us. And then the youngest, for same situation I've never met them a day in my life. They don't even probably know I exist and it's not. It's not the fact that I wouldn't, because if they did come to me, in all honesty I would talk to them, but I'm not.
Speaker 2:Look on the lowest of keys. I'm so tired of putting my energy into things that I didn't break. I did not make this wrong. I just feel like I don't know if that's even a good thing to say or not, because there are, they are kids. But I'm just like man. I've done so much of my own healing and trying to make things work that right now, where I'm at, I don't have any extra energy to try and bring this family together. I need someone else to do it and I will not put that on myself, because I put enough on myself and finally let that stuff go. If they want to reach out to me and fix it, totally fine, but I will not.
Speaker 1:Okay, I get it, and at this no, no, I won't even say at the same time I don't. I do get it because again, cosmically similar relationship, similar situation. I have younger siblings and I think I think, especially when they're younger it's hard because your brother is your second brother.
Speaker 2:He's maybe teen. Yeah, 13 maybe.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I also have a teenage brother who I did not grow up with, closely with or any of that, and I think that when they're in that age especially, it's difficult as an adult to reach them because it's like number one. What are you all going to talk about? I mean like, and I mean what are you all going to talk about? Like, like casual conversation starters to even like, initiate some kind of like bond, right, because you're so much older, even though you're not so much older, but you kind of are as like what? Eight years, nine, nine years difference, and then two like I feel like, especially teen years, like I stick to the subscription that like teen to early twenties, you don't really care about that kind of stuff. You like it's like out of sight, out of mind, like if you're not around me every day, I don't care. You're like, oh yeah, I got older sister, yeah, whatever, like big deal. You know it's all about like friends, like that, like those ages, the friends are the most important thing, not family. I'm not saying that's wrong, right, I think that's just how we develop in our adolescence is, the friendships are more important, especially when we're in our teen years, and so, like with one of my sisters.
Speaker 1:We like the trauma between in the family kind of happened when she like was younger and so it became the same kind of distance, because I was trying to remove myself from a situation and in doing so, right, remove myself from anyone in that household involved in the situation.
Speaker 1:So I made several attempts to like reconnect and it was always so awkward because she was in that teen fate where it was like, look, what do you want? Like that's kind of that's really how I felt I would get. The response I would get for her was like, what do you want? And because I have my own, my own stuff, it was like, oh no, my feelings are hurt, she hates me, I'm a terrible person. I ran away and only after she was like mature and an adult was it finally like okay, we can talk, like we can really talk because you now have a perspective to help you understand where I came from and I have a perspective and can understand where you came from. So not saying that healing and connection can't happen in those ages. I think it's just much, much harder, and especially for you with the latest four.
Speaker 2:They're all under 10, right Under five, I think no, under six, I don't know Under 10 will just be safe there. They are. Somebody might be six. No, okay Six. I think that's a good answer.
Speaker 1:As you say, yeah, okay, my God, they're all small people and so with that, right, you I mean it's not like you could just call it in or anything Like you'd have to go through their parents and you don't speak to their parents. So it's like, how can you connect? Yeah, it's not on you, you don't own that. You can't own that because you only have you. And so I think that is a nice segue into like a big part of this. You know, parent-ified children and like the after and long-term effects are, and contributing factor is adults, caregivers and their problems and how it affects children and also leads to parent-ified kids.
Speaker 1:So I think that, for with me, I had the kind of the same issue is that when I cut everyone off and in my dad's household, getting away from traumas, you know, it became kind of a I was then an adult, so it was adults had the problem. So I didn't speak to the wife, she didn't speak to me and therefore I didn't connect with the kids, because those are her kids, I'd have to talk to her to get to them, and so I think that that's also complicated, right. So I mean, do you feel like that's pretty much what you like? I know you say you don't care right now because you don't own that and all of these things. But like what do you think just about adults and their drama and affecting kids?
Speaker 2:I mean I've dealt with it like from you and your conflict with people, but I know it's going to be a cycle, because I don't like my dad nor his wife, and I know that if I do ever have kids, they will never meet either one of them and they will never get the chance to, you know, kind of meet their grandpa. Like you know, I'm gonna just call myself, I'm like this is my dad.
Speaker 2:That's all you need to know, and it's just going to be an endless cycle. And I bet that the youngest ones are going to have the same problem. They're probably not going to like me because they're like, wow, where have you been? And then I'm going to have to tell them about how crappy their dad was and they probably won't believe me because that's not who they've experienced and it's not something that I want to keep passing down, because being the being around, that is like man. But I think it's harder though, because you know, with your situation I was very, very, very close with you, know the person, and once you guys kind of got into it, it not only took away that person but two of my other very close family members as well. So it was more, it was a bigger impact than if it was somebody I never met before. I don't care, but because of that relationship it made it more hurtful. I guess. Like dang, I wish I would have just fixed this, bro.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it does suck because it changes. I mean, you know, just when you have, you know, as an adult or whatever, when you have conflict with with you know another adult, especially in the family, and y'all have children that spend time together and you know, enjoy one another, that it affects them, because if y'all don't like each other, you aren't speaking and it's awkward and tense, then how are the kids going to connect, you know, and then it creates it. Just, it can't help but create awkwardness and tension amongst the kids as well. And, honestly, the situation I still, like to date, can't fully remember what that, where that came from, like how that even happened. I really can't, like I I like how it started, like I can think about some things, but I think because the both of us grew up in a very dysfunctional environment. We, where we never learned how to connect and how to initiate healthy conversation, we, just we both developed an avoidance and so I think when things, when life start really happening and things got complicated, it was like no, just avoid that person. Because now we have all of these.
Speaker 1:What is, what is this? This term I just learned, anxious attachment, where you automatically either it's either anxious attachment or avoidant attachment, where you automatically assume the person thinks the worst of you and you start making up in your head all of these reasons. Why, like, if someone doesn't answer your call or they don't answer your texts right away, or like these are things that really happened to me, or if you take too long to respond, it's like you, you wanted to say no, you you didn't want to speak to me. Or you, what did I do wrong to you? You, like you, you start going through these things and you know, making up these stories and then that makes the communication hard because people don't want to deal with that. You know, people have completely separate intentions.
Speaker 1:I was in the shower, I was, I was busy, I was working, I was stressed, I was trying to do whatever, I mean, whatever, like, it's just not always in attack on you and I've experienced these things. I've, I saw, in two ways. I've done these things and these things have happened to me, and so that's, those are factors in which caused the tension in this, in that relationship, and I think that it's very unfortunate. Even today, I still make a lot of attempts to try and correct and and you know, acknowledge and address those things, but everything takes two. It takes.
Speaker 1:It takes both people in the situation to come together and say, okay, let's just talk about what happened. And you have to be ready for that, you have to be open to it, you have to be, you have to have your boundaries, your talking boundaries. You have to have all of these tools coming into a conversation like that, because it's not easy, especially if you have trauma, you have PTSD, you are the child of an alcohol or you know drug over user, whatever, and so it's it's. It's very complicated, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. You just have to want to do it honestly, just be willing to have the tough conversations. So, yeah, I think with with your, I don't know with your, with your siblings and my siblings, I don't know. I think it's just hard to say honestly, I, I have.
Speaker 1:I have, course, hope for both situations. I really hope that. I mean, I don't, I don't know his wife, but I just hope that one day she recognizes the importance of her children, knowing all of their family and not just a select number, because that is important. And I hope for my siblings that we all recognize and appreciate connection with each other and how that could benefit. It's just, it's just a benefit. I feel like there's no relationship like the bond between siblings. I really don't like. I feel like it's an amazing, necessary, impactful bond and it's just, it's something that I want, I want it. So if there's any question, and you're listening, I want it. I am in favor of that.
Speaker 1:So what do you think, jayla, just about like kids, who like or not kids? I guess, when kids become adults, so say, you're like 35 and you got like three kids and they like old enough, who are like you know so and I'm asking this question because I just met a cousin of mine why didn't he? I haven't even met him in person yet still, but I've never known anything about him and he actually shared with me that his kids were dating each other because they didn't know about each other. Thankfully, it didn't go any farther than the second date because they started talking about family and like who's your father and who's what's your last name? And they both came to him and was like dad.
Speaker 1:He was like, oh man, and so that was his turning point. He made sure all I don't even five of his kids. I think he's like y'all have to know each other, like right now, like it's sad that it took that long, but it could happen. It could happen. So, with that in mind, right, like, what do you think would be like, or do you think there'd be a benefit in coming together somehow to figure out of these relationships?
Speaker 2:If I were a kid that mean you mess with my little sister, Like was that what you were talking?
Speaker 1:about.
Speaker 2:What Like if one of my kids start talking to one of my little sisters.
Speaker 1:Or they kids Bro.
Speaker 2:I better pray, bro. I don't know what you want me to do. That's why I'm leaving this state.
Speaker 1:Okay, but they're in another state and they might leave the state man. There are eight of y'all. There's a possibility that somebody could end up in the same area.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I better get a DNA test on the first date, which I want me to do, so you want me to. I'm gonna go find I'm not even going. I'm gonna look and be like I think you, my sister, you better ask who they cousins is. Every black person know that. Though that ain't gonna do me, I'm not gonna have no family reunion and you finna, no Talk to these people first, get to know them, first Meet their parents.
Speaker 1:Yeah, before you go, little down Meet their parents.
Speaker 2:You gonna see that it's that. It's you gonna be like, hmm, what's your last name in Before you got married? Always ask that question what's your maiden name? Yup.
Speaker 1:I mean, you could at least expose them to them, right Like here, like you know.
Speaker 2:I don't have no pictures of them, kids. How would I do?
Speaker 1:that you could get. You've shown me pictures.
Speaker 2:Yeah, through sky.
Speaker 1:You could get pictures, Okay maybe at Sky's wedding.
Speaker 2:I hope she get married.
Speaker 1:Oh God.
Speaker 2:Oh, she just like me At Sky wedding. They all gonna meet.
Speaker 1:They all gonna meet at Sky wedding. Sky might actually be the one, can we all? Be, friends To connect everything.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:I'm just getting. She might be. Honestly, she might be the one because she's. It sounds like she's the only one from from y'all group that knows everything about what they doing and knows y'all. And I say y'all group because it's like it's these four, right, it's you and then yours, then sister, sister, brother, and then on with the new family or whatever you call it. It's sister, sister, sister, brother, same thing. And Sky is kind of, yeah, it seems like the only one that's on both sides. So, sky, it's on you, man.
Speaker 2:It's not on you. Call your daddy.
Speaker 1:It's yeah, it's true, it's not, it's definitely not. Well, I think we've come to a stopping point Before we go. I do want to share that and as usual resources will be in the show notes that if you are parentified or you feel you have been parentified, or if you have, you know, parentified your child or other children, just that I think the best approach is acknowledgement and therapy. I know that so many of us in you know, so many of us black folk are still struggling with therapy and talking through problems and even acknowledging that we have problems and situations and issues to talk through. But if you're recognizing things in yourself or in your children that are similar to you know what we've kind of discussed here today then it's worth a shot to at least acknowledge you know what could be going on, because there are long term effects and we all I'm sure I've heard of these, you know kind of hot button words like anxiety and trauma and depression, and there's just so many of us way too many of us, I can't say it enough walking around here unhealed and you know a lot of these situations could be, you know, at least chipped away at with just simple discussions. So there'll be some links to that assessment that I was talking about with those questions, so you can ask those questions to yourself or to a family member, and also a couple of articles around parentification, what it is, its effects and so forth.
Speaker 1:So we're going to take this out, take this one out, and you know we're dropping another episode again every Wednesday. So keep an eye and an ear out and you know we hope to, in the next season, have guests for you to talk to. We're going to start lining those up. So you know, just keep your awareness and let us know what other comments and topics and things you'd like to hear from us. We're doing some reviews and some other perspectives on some things you know outside of the emotional realm, but that is the playground on which we live. So until next time we're out, take care.
