Let's Talk Later
Let's Talk Later
Setting Boundaries for a Healthier Mind
We promise you an enlightening journey as we unravel a small portion of the complex world of mental health. Ever felt drained by certain individuals, like energy vampires sucking away at your vitality? Learn some tools to identify and manage these negative influences, especially within challenging environments. Journey towards a better understanding of the negative impact of energy vampires and how to keep your boundaries strong against them.
Ever wondered about the significance of apologies in the healing process? We share personal insights about acknowledging our hurts and the necessity of forgiveness in the journey toward well-being. We also venture into the complexities of recognizing patterns and the power of intuition when something doesn't feel right as we delve into the importance of setting boundaries and the role of self-forgiveness in healing from trauma.
In this episode, we navigate the often-overlooked issue of mental health in schools and workplaces. Not sure how to handle difficult conversations? We offer strategies to navigate those tricky dialogues, emphasizing the importance of understanding power dynamics and the harmful effects of microaggressions. We'll also touch on the importance of self-care in maintaining mental health. So please pull up a chair, plug in your headphones, and join us for an engaging, candid discussion on mental health. You won't want to miss this!
Hello and welcome back to let's Talk Later. I am your host, Capri, and I'm Jaila, and on today's episode we will be talking about mental health and some of the stigmas around having conversations about mental health, receiving diagnoses, etc. We are recording in the morning on a nice sunny day and feeling good. Jaila, how are you today?
Speaker 2:I'm good.
Speaker 1:Good, any things you want to share. What do you got going on for the weekend? Turn up. Oh my God, mm-hmm, jaila is going outside, as they say. It's so funny that outside means something so different than what it meant when I was a kid. We were just literally just going outside and playing in the street. Y'all are outside. What does that just mean? Going out to party?
Speaker 2:Yeah, when you're outside, you're just doing outside activities.
Speaker 1:I mean that could include swinging at the park. I mean, what do you mean? Adult outside activities? Got it Okay? Well, let's jump right on in on this good Friday. We hope you're all feeling well and doing well and ready to join us on this journey and have this conversation with us.
Speaker 1:First off, I just wanted to share a few statistics that I'm not necessarily surprised about. I don't know if you will be. In the United States of America, 21% of adults have been diagnosed or experienced at least one mental illness. 21%. It sounds like a small number, but if you think about the people across the United States, that's roughly 50 million people. Then, when you talk about children, one in every five children will have some kind of mental health or neurological condition. What is a neurological condition or what are some? We have epilepsy, cerebral palsy, autism, dyslexia, things like that. We're going to just talk about experiences and maybe share some stories, as usual, just have candid conversation today. I think we'll just start off with some Q&A, because I feel like, well, not Q&A necessarily, but a couple of questions, because I feel like questions usually prompt conversation. Let's jump right in. So, jayla, what comes up for you when you hear mental health? What's the first thing that comes to mind?
Speaker 2:Depression.
Speaker 1:Okay, that makes sense For me, I think. When I hear it I think of resources. I'm like okay, therapy, counseling, I guess. I mean, I guess that's different for every person.
Speaker 1:So, speaking of depression, what kind of situations cause you to feel sad or depressed? For me, I would say that is dramatic changes in life events, so the loss of self. If I feel like I'm giving so much of myself to a job or a situation and I'm not making enough time for me or I'm not taking care of myself, putting myself, making myself a priority, that can lead me to feel pretty depressed. I think there's the mom guilt that. That's the experience I can speak to, just as a mother feeling like your kids have to be first, even down to something as simple as doctor's appointments. I'll make sure that the appointments are set and scheduled and in time and everything in life for myself. I'll be like, oh, I can go another time, I'll cancel it because I can't right now. Everything becomes back burner and that's poor self care. But one of the factors of feeling or being depressed is a lack of self care or poor self care. Jaila, do you have a response at all to that question?
Speaker 2:No, not really.
Speaker 1:Okay. Well, moving on to the next one, what do you do, as I mentioned, self care to support your mental well-being. Oh, me, I mean either one of us. Yeah, you can go ahead.
Speaker 2:I journal. I talk about my feelings, yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay For me.
Speaker 1:Honestly, I feel like journaling is like. I mean, I'm sure people have always done it, but I feel like lately it's becoming a thing. There's this journal that Jaila just told me about. It's like a shadow work journal that was trending on TikTok. Tiktok is the place to get stuff like ideas and news and appliances and everything, and it was such a big deal that it went so viral that the price increased on the item on Amazon. It was pretty crazy.
Speaker 1:So I don't, I feel like journaling is like old school diary, so like I think we all had a diary, a little, some little you know thing to write in. I remember I had a little lock on mine and it was found and I would, you know, share my frustrations about family members and one of the people that I was talking about in the journal or diary found it, and it was this whole thing. It's like nothing can be mine, I have no privacy, blah, blah, blah. I think I might have found one of Jaila's journals too when she was younger, but I don't really remember right now what it was talking about. But you, oh yeah, probably. But you know it's just it's different I think now. And you know, jaila, that's kind of a question I have for you, and I was like in diaries at least how I remember it you are just kind of talking about what you're feeling. It's like you're just venting and now journaling today. I guess it seems very intentional. Would that be kind of your understanding too?
Speaker 2:Yeah, because I know, like in my journal I try well, it varies. I write about like what happened during the day, that like I need clarity on, or something that came up that I just can't like decide or figure out. Or sometimes it's about me being like just appreciative of the day and like or I think my journaling, though I usually write to like my spirit guides or like my ancestors or something to help me like just gain extra support. It's just another way, I think, for me to just write down what I need to say, I guess to get it out.
Speaker 1:And I don't know if you all remember last week's episode. If you haven't listened, please go back and do so. But you know, jaila kind of shared a little bit about her like she journaled, kind of like, you know, in our during our intermission, if you will, to kind of help her work through some things and process some things, and I thought that was pretty cool. But for my response, I still need a lot of work. I am not at a place where I've got it figured out. As far as supporting and maintaining my mental health and well-being, what I try to do is breath work. There are a number of different techniques for breathing. There's, you know, 768 breathing. There's 453 breathing, there's belly breathing, and so that's because that's quick and, like in the moment, I usually go to that. I try to journal or just write a little bit here and there. I'm not consistent.
Speaker 1:Um, I think, unfortunately, I can probably talk about things that I would like to do more in support of my mental health, which would be like regular massages and yoga and um, but I am doing some things right now to kind of help me get to that place. Um, helping me with boundaries and self advocacy and self esteem stuff. You know stuff that kind of you know bubbled up from childhood and you know that's supporting mental well-being as well. Um, but yeah, it's. It's a work in progress, so it's good to to find what works for you right and put that into practice. I will say step, um, like it's a step fitness that I've been doing for about, I think, about a year now. Um, that is good for my mental health because it's a workout which is good for your you know, your brain, your cognition, and it's also really fun and I really enjoy it. So, um, I'll give myself a little kudos for that, I guess, because I've been pretty consistent in that realm. Um, so the next question um and Jaila, maybe I'll have you read this one.
Speaker 2:Um, number three, yeah, Compared to this time last year. Are you sadder or happier?
Speaker 1:Why is that funny? I don't know. I respond so we are at the end of September of 2023 and, in comparison, I think I'm happier. I think last year was rough. Not I think Last year was rough. The last few years have been kind of rough with transitioning, like living situations and schools for my son and all kind of stuff, but there's been a lot of work that's been done just not only within myself, but within this family, or this household, should I say and I think that has led to a better, a much better space than a year ago today. So yeah, for me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would probably agree. I think last year September, where was? I was in Atlanta, yeah.
Speaker 1:I think I was also in Atlanta.
Speaker 2:No, september, that was two years ago. Was it really? I'm pretty sure, because last year September I lived in 565. That was two years ago, yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, but so in the general sense, you're saying that you're happier now than a year ago, for surely, yeah, okay.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Next question how is it for you establishing boundaries with negative people?
Speaker 2:Much better. Just the other day I had to establish some boundaries with y'all Ouch yeah.
Speaker 1:Negative people.
Speaker 2:Well, I don't think negative people are also positive people in my mindset. Everyone has some negativity about themselves, everyone has some positivity, but establishing like yeah, you're not a negative person, but you have some negative qualities behind me too.
Speaker 1:Okay, I don't disagree, I do. I said, I said I was a work in progress, I said that. So what about in the general sense? So what about you if you take it out of like looking at your other situations, like people who are like, do you have people in your life who you feel are just like always negative or always like no, not anymore. Okay, what about in, like the workspace?
Speaker 2:This is why I work as management, because I can tell people what to do and I'll never go back to being a little associate anymore. That's kind of offensive. No, hey, ain't nothing wrong with being an associate, but for me personally, I will never not be in a power position because I cannot deal with people who just don't listen, or you know what I'm saying. I'm not going to listen to you and you ain't doing the right thing. So I'm going to manage you Okay.
Speaker 1:Okay, so share, because I think it's probably no surprise to you that I don't have great boundaries. So I mean, share how you set boundaries, like how that, like what it looks like for you setting boundaries.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm going to use the example from the other day. I was having a conversation with someone and someone else jumped into the conversation about something that totally had nothing to do with what I was talking about and I, respectfully, was like hey, you know, you're kind of overstepping my boundary here, bro, like we wasn't even talking about that. Now you're triggering me to get upset, and I don't want to get upset. So can we not talk about this? Yeah, in a moment, right then, and there.
Speaker 1:You know, for the longest time all her life, even though and she'll say it because I've jailed yeah, she's very direct and that is a good thing about her because, as much as as a parent, I've always been like don't you know, don't, don't say you know this, or you know watch how you talk, and you know don't be rude and and you know watch what you say, and it was, it was very like censoring, but like as the as the kids say, I feel old, saying that low key. I admired and envied that because I have to this day, the hardest time being direct Like I'm. I'm much better than I used to be, but it's, it's tough. So so for me, setting boundaries, I think, with negative people, like when I think, yes, everyone has a negative and a positive. But I think there are those people and especially I brought up the workplace because that's where I witness it the most people who are just always just down and just dragging about something, like something's just always wrong. I think that's easier for me because it's exhausting, and so when I feel exhausted by something, it's easier for me to address it, and so I'll say you know what I can't with this?
Speaker 1:Right now I don't have the space for this, or sometimes I don't know if it's actually I don't know, I don't know if this would be considered a boundary or or even a or a healthy boundary, I guess. But sometimes I'll just just associate, so I'll just mentally leave the conversation and and go somewhere else, kind of thing, and let them finish what they're talking about and then be like okay, well, you have a good day. But, like in the personal sense, I usually laugh it off and get uncomfortable and I'll, I'll jokingly set a boundary. I'll be like so what? Like you really going to say that like, and I like laugh, and so I think that that's. You know, when you laugh I feel like you know a lot of people are like well, you're not very serious, right, I'm not gonna take you serious, because you probably mean that. So it's hard for me to set boundaries and that's why I'm taking some of the steps in my personal life to figure out how to be better at that.
Speaker 2:So that kind of makes me think, um, you ever heard it like the term like a, like an energy vampire?
Speaker 1:Oh, yes, I have.
Speaker 2:Like I've had. Even some of my friends, who I'm, like, still friends with today, had their phases of being like energy vampires, like one of my friends would, would cry and be so distraught about a situation that she did over and over and over again and you would. You could tell her step by step what to do and she would still do the exact opposite of what you told her to do and then come back to you crying about the situation. And I kid you not, when I was living in Atlanta, my friends we had something called like a um, like a point thing, because in my friend group I'm always like I'm like the mom of the group. They always come to me for advice, they always need to tell me something. And I told them look, or like it was like tokens or something.
Speaker 2:I would say you got three times to come to me about one problem and if you keep, if you come back to me after that third time, I'm not going to talk to you. I don't want to listen to you. I'm not going to be present anymore, because it can be very draining for people to always come to you about the same exact situation and it's like obviously you don't care about what I'm saying and you don't care about getting a different outcome. It's like you're that's. That's actually like psychotic for you to do something over and over again and expect a different outcome. So you're not going to drive me crazy with you trying to help you. So that is a tool that I kind of use, um, that token system, because you ain't going to keep coming to me.
Speaker 1:No, that's, that's actually. I mean, I feel like that's kind of like a fair tool. Um, I think, talking about like setting boundaries, like to even say that to somebody, that's still hard for me. Like man, you only got three times come back to me to say this, like, like, oh, cause I feel like that.
Speaker 1:Um, trauma is always a thing. I feel like trauma is always connected to, you know, grief, to loss, to mental health, is connected to all of this, like it's all kind of in the same um kind of or along the same spectrum. Um, I am so worried about making somebody feel abandoned or neglected or not heard, because these are struggles that I have or had Um, and so, I think, telling somebody they can't talk to me about something I don't, that it just doesn't, it doesn't sit right with the part of me that is broken in that way, and so that's why, um, mental wellness is so important, because you have to fix those parts of you so that you can move into the other phase of healing. So, you know, once I fixed the part of me that was, you know, felt was and felt abandoned and neglected, then it may be easier then to set boundaries, because you kind of need to remove those um barriers right, so um work in progress. Okay, next question, um number five.
Speaker 2:Who did you need to forgive this year?
Speaker 1:Who did you need to forgive?
Speaker 2:Mom, I asked you.
Speaker 1:I asked you Um, I think honestly myself, I needed to forgive myself for the choices that I've made, for the parts not even parts for the times in my life that I feel like were wasted because I wasn't being authentic, and for the relationships that I didn't work hard enough to salvage because of trauma. And so I think me first and also, you know, with Jaila I'm talking to you, but talking to them at the same time, right With you coming home I needed to forgive myself for you as well, because the whole reason that we talked about we started this podcast and just started having more conversations was to have better and deeper conversations, to heal things and to address things, and so I think I've said it before like to hear and to receive feedback on the kind of person or parent you were, are. It's not easy, and so I for a long time, I've been the kind of person that when I receive feedback, I go inward and I beat myself up. It's gosh. There are so many exhausting parts of it. But I had to forgive myself.
Speaker 1:I apologized for things to Jaila and she said that either I don't hold it against you or I forgave you or whatnot. But then I had to forgive myself so that I could stop feeling guilty about decisions I made at 15, 16 or 25, you know. So yeah, like outside of myself, I don't know, I don't know. I don't think there was anyone else this year I actually maybe think about I guess the year is from September last year to this year I had to forgive my mom too Internally, like I didn't go to her and say I forgive you, but maybe I should, because I had to forgive her for the parts of herself that she didn't have control over, which poured into parenting right, and so, yeah, there are probably some other people somewhere in there, but those are the most prominent right now. What about you?
Speaker 2:Kind of the same in the beginning myself for just recognizing how not there I was for myself, not showing myself enough I guess, giving myself enough space to be a human with the emotion just kind of making myself not feel certain things to get over. That, Definitely like my dad, this year, from September to now, I would say, has been the biggest. You know, I'm tired of being so angry that I was just like, yeah, I'm just going to have to go ahead and forgive this person. Yeah, I think those are like my biggest. I need to just forgive myself and my dad for the betterment of my mental health.
Speaker 1:And do you think that you're still working towards that or that you have fully forgiven?
Speaker 2:him. I think there are days where I'm like, yeah, I'm good, but then I have moments in my life that are somewhat of important and I automatically like the first thing I think of I think I was just talking about this when I had to spend, like the money for my car or whatever, and I'm like, bro, I swear to God, moments like this make me despise my dad. So I think, like, deep down, there are moments and pieces of me that are like I don't know if I'll be able to get over them so quickly. But overall, yeah, I don't really hold any grudges or hatred towards him anymore in that way.
Speaker 1:That's good, that's what we call healing, because it doesn't do any good for you to keep that emotion in you. Because what do they say when you're mad or you're angry with somebody and you're going through all of these things? It's not hurting them, it's likely that they're fine and they're living their life and they're not worried about it. You may never really know, but it just doesn't do you any good internally to hold grudges and to hold on to toxic emotions like anger and resentment and things like that. And I don't think I hold anything against anyone anymore, necessarily, but there's just still always this leftover feeling. But let's reverse it. Who do you feel owes you an apology if you think about it?
Speaker 2:My dad, for sure, is a big one. My grandma I know she probably listened to this. She probably can be like what but my auntie I think I am owed an apology for the lack of support and their absence in my life. I know that everybody's going through their own things, but at the end of the day I was a kid and I'm still kind of a kid I'm a young adult, I guess. But there were times or moments in my life where I could really have used that extra support from them and I know that me and grandma have an okay relationship. But there are things that I wish I could tell her that I don't think I'll ever be able to tell her, just because it's like I don't think we're in that room or space yet to share such details. But then it's like, on the other hand, I think to myself maybe me being the quote unquote bigger person and going to them about my feelings will open that door for us to have conversations that we need to have.
Speaker 1:But yeah, I think for me, when I read the question, I kind of read it backwards and I think, honestly, I feel like both responses are interesting, because who might owe you and who might you owe right, because we talked about who you had to forgive right. Before I jump in, is there anyone that you feel like you owe an apology to?
Speaker 2:No, I mean, if they, I don't know, you know what? Let me not be like that. I don't know, I don't know, okay.
Speaker 1:Okay, why? What do you think? No, I don't know.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm just gonna make sure.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying okay, and the reason I mean you may be wondering why I talk about apologies, but you know, I feel like that is a part of addressing issues in families and relationships is apologies, admitting and acknowledging what you might have unintentionally done to someone or intentionally to cause them some kind of a trauma or you know that just hurt them, I think, and so that's why you know kind of this. These questions were kind of formulated especially around apologies, because it's an important part of healing and mental well-being. So, for me, who might owe me an apology? Honestly, I don't think anyone owes me an apology, and I say that because I'm not holding any. I'm not holding any space for the things that happen to me anymore. And Jaila, you're shaking your head. Why don't you speak to it? What do you think? That's cap? That's cap, yes, that's cap.
Speaker 1:So you feel like there are there's a person or people out there that owe me an apology.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:I don't know if we should share on or offline. I don't think so.
Speaker 2:It's not about holding a grudge. It's about that person taking accountability, or their part or their role, I guess, in hurting you. So, yeah, you owe me an apology because you hurt me and I want you to acknowledge that you hurt me and I want you to take accountability that you hurt me. It's not about oh, I'm mad anymore about the situation. No, you still need to apologize, you in order for me to truly get past it. I need to hear you say I'm sorry, I realized what I did to you, my fault, my bad, something I can name like four people right now that owe you an apology.
Speaker 1:I mean, there are some key players in my life who have given me apologies and I don't know if that would align with your list or not, but we don't talk about that offline. I can think of a couple of friends that I feel like owe me an apology, as we're talking about this kind of just thinking over some feedback or things that were shared. But I feel like for them to know that they owe me an apology. They have to know that they hurt me and because I can be so passive, it's very likely that these people that I'm thinking of don't even know that I took what they said away. So you have to, kind of I feel like you have to know, unless it's blatant and obvious, like certain situations, you know that you were wrong, that you did a thing to someone and you know that was wrong just common sense. But there are also situations where you may not realize because that person laughed it off or because that person didn't respond or because, whatever, I don't know if I hurt them or not. They didn't tell me, they didn't tell nothing to me and they're not saying this directly to me. So that's the kind of things that I'm thinking about right now. But yeah, we'll talk more about that.
Speaker 1:So, as far as who I might still owe an apology, I would definitely say my nieces, my nieces, my nephew and my nephew, cousins.
Speaker 1:And I say that because they are my cousins, but because their mother was more like a sister, I consider them, I looked at them, more like nephews and Jaila has honestly given me perspective on that because it's one of those situations where things get complicated between the adults and then the children suffer, and so for a long time it was kind of like a just avoid it and you don't have to deal with it, or you don't have to feel it, or I'm sure it's fine, I don't know. It was one of those like kind of like tricky situations and I regret not being more present, and so they are the first people I think about when I think about you know, apology who I feel like I need to apologize to. So, other than that, I can't think of nobody else. I don't know if I care. I'm sorry, but if you're out there and you feel like, oh, you, an apology, you can hit me up and maybe we can talk about it and maybe you'll get one.
Speaker 2:Leave it in the reviews, bro. Leave it in the reviews, we'll think about it.
Speaker 1:We'll think about it. Please let Jayla know if she owe you an apology.
Speaker 2:I apologize, new Jayla apologizes. Now, if you knew old Jayla, you ain't getting no apology because I ain't do that.
Speaker 1:She's no. No, that's. This is correct. Okay, Next question number seven.
Speaker 2:If you could give your younger self one piece of advice, what would it be?
Speaker 1:Run.
Speaker 2:Oh, you better not be talking about my dad.
Speaker 1:I know, I know, I know, I know Run. I mean, that's a couple of different spaces, because one time when I was little man, I put some toys in the backpack and ran away to this little park. It was like a mile or something and I saw this note. It's funny but it's kind of sad at the same time, because I was on the swing. I actually wasn't even a park, I think. I ran away to my school and I just swung on the swing for like three hours. No one noticed I was gone, no one. Like I just went back, I was like man, I'm hungry. I didn't bring no snacks, I just brought my toys. I love my toys, man, some little polypockets and little Kelly dolls. Those were my jams.
Speaker 1:But I came home and I mean it was like wash your hands and get ready for dinner and I was like you didn't care, it's sad, like I say it's funny, but like oh, how do you not realize? And I was 10. Like, how do you not realize your 10 year old is gone? Like, really Like, how do you not like? Huh, I wonder, and I, given I did grow up in the era where we played outside until the street lights came on, I did, but the street lights was on when I got in the house, ain't no way I say that I didn't even get in trouble. So when I say run like, I mean that in a couple of spaces, and not necessarily because that's true.
Speaker 1:I would not give like that nurse that I talked about, I think, in our first or second episode. She was absolutely right that Jaila would be this amazing part of my life, and so I don't. I will never regret that and I will. I will not have run, I guess, from the man, but in all seriousness, I would have told my younger self to run when I, after I had Jaila, and I don't know how I would have made it work.
Speaker 1:But I feel like, while being a mother at that age was obviously very hard, the things that followed were even harder and contributed to a lot of the work that I'm doing on myself right now. And so like I really would have told that girl like go, just leave. I don't know where you're going to go, just leave. And I feel like maybe life would have been different. Or at least you know, reach out to someone and tell them what's going on, you know, so that you can leave and not have to, you know, take a bus to Kansas and figure it out, or something like that. But that's what I would have told her about you.
Speaker 2:Um, probably to actually give space for my feelings. I think I was so good at hiding how I felt, and not even to the point where I didn't even know I felt certain, a certain way, um, until now, at 22,. I'd be like dang, I did feel sad about that and I think we were just talking about that. Um, recently, how, for the first time, I think in my entire life, I genuinely cried and knew why I was crying. Like I can cry now and just be like, yeah, like I'm very sad right now.
Speaker 1:Question about that. So how, if you were, say you say that travel into the past was possible and you could have left the note for yourself that says make space for your feeling, what do you feel like your younger self would have done differently to make space?
Speaker 2:Honestly that I don't even like if I would have. I feel like it depends on what point I met myself. Like if I met myself in high school, I would have been like bro, I am making space, I'm making space by not acknowledging it, Um, but like, if I did it, probably before grandma passed like around that time, I probably would have realized, like yo, I'm hurting right now and I need to tell someone how much I am hurting because we talked about that story, bro, no, we live on part Boulevard, Like at that moment, instead of going that route, if I would have just told you like I'm, like you're not going to believe what I just did, Like maybe I would have. I don't know, maybe I would have opened up to you at that point.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it makes sense, okay. Next question Did you read number seven? No, it's number eight.
Speaker 2:How do you notice? Others around you are not well.
Speaker 1:I have to know you, or at least have been around you More than a couple of times. I usually notice, because I pay attention to patterns, like most people, whether they think they are or think they're not, are predictable. They have, they move, you know the same kind of way. They do the same kind of things, they are triggered by the same types of things. And so when you are off that pattern say you're talkative normally, say you know, usually you come in a house and you start in conversations and making comments and you know, one day you just stop, you're just completely quiet, completely withdrawn. Your responses are one, one, two, three words. That's obvious. You're breaking a pattern to me. So I know something's wrong with you. You start sleeping more.
Speaker 1:You are, you know, disinterested in things. I'm like hey, you know let's go here. Or you know I'm not just. I mean I'm not just speaking for you, jail, I'm just speaking just. I mean just people right that I know, like I invite you somewhere, say let's go, and no, you know I'm okay. So just that disinterest to me.
Speaker 1:That is obvious, that you know your something, something is off and so like, in addition to that, I would say like more, like snappy, or like easily, like agitated and seem upset all the time and I think and that's hard too, because I am one of the best people I know at masking I will lead you to believe that I am fine and everything is great and I'm in a beautiful mood, like I'm. I mean, I don't take this like like I'm not proud of this, but I am really good at masking, I will. I am so good that I will believe I'm fine. That's why I say I got to kind of know you, because some people are just like oh, yeah, you know, yeah, everything's good, yeah, I'm good, and you're like Okay, sure, you know, I believe you.
Speaker 1:You were just laughing, you busted a joke, we out having to have a dinner, and you know those I don't know if it's a TikTok or an Instagram thing where it's like show a time when you were at your lowest and no one around you notice, and maybe it'd be videos of them. They'd be twerking, they'd be at clubs, they'd be, you know, clinking glasses, cheers and and that was your lowest time. Like that's scary, like you really out here just masking, like like everything's okay and that's um, it sucks that that we as people feel like we have to do that? Um, what about for you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, I completely agree with everything you said, Um, but another thing I think this is true for the both of us too is that I don't know what it is if we just spiritually inclined or something, but people's energy, like, I don't have to know everybody to know that there's something wrong with them.
Speaker 2:Sometimes, when you come around someone, you could just feel like or at least we do, like we feel this like weird, like something's off, something's not right, um, and it's something that, like I remember when you first met one of my friends, you were like no, like that is not going to work. And I think a part of me has taken some of that from you, because I'll meet, like some of my best friends, people and I'll just know like no, it'll either be like a no or I question like I can't if I can't figure you out, or your energy is literally like something is blocking you from like being like perceived by your energy. I know that there's something wrong with you, but like there has to be something Otherwise, like I feel good about people. It's just that feeling about the energy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, that's, that's so true. Like even um, Dela had a really good friend and, um, this friend brought another friend around and was like yeah, um, like they wanted me to meet them and kind of like, yes, no, like what you think about this person. And I mean, when they walked in my house, I was like I don't want to be like rude, but no man, like I, just, I just oh, there was like a oh, there was just a heavy, tumultuous presence and on the outside this person was like oh, hi, I'm, and seemed so sweet and I was like. And then they turned around and was like thumbs up, thumbs down, and I was like and I like did my thumb to the side. I was like maybe, you know, it depends, I don't know, and I was so right, so right.
Speaker 1:Oh well, Jaila knows exactly what I'm talking about. That girl is a vampire.
Speaker 2:She is an energy sucker bro.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, I felt it like immediately, Like it's kind of crazy, Like like I've been hearing a lot about like trusting your intuition and like like really believing in, in, in having that faith that if you sense in something, it's you kind of got to go with that. Sometimes and and that happened a lot for me, I think for me personally, in my situations, I wish I had more intuition for myself, but when it's self, I think there are more blinders on because you know of a number of things, but especially for Jaila, you know, I'd be like I don't know, I don't get the best feeling about this person. So, yeah, that's, that's definitely a part of it. So, with that being said, like when you notice changes in patterns or energy or you kind of got to go with that, you kind of got a sense that maybe somebody might be depressed or something like are you comfortable addressing that and if so, how would you? Or have you?
Speaker 2:Um, this actually happened with, like one of my really good friends. We knew something was off about her. Like it was just something. Like something was just like off. And we actually sat her down on my couch and we were like we know something's wrong. Like you got to talk to us, we're not letting you leave until you talk to us. Because it was starting to get to the point where not only was her energy just like super down, but she was, um, you know, coping with her pain in unhealthy ways, and I was like bro, we have to do something about this. Um, so I feel like, if I care about you, I'm going to try my best to get you to talk to me. Um, and with like we literally had to force her and she just started like breaking down, crying, and I was, like you got to talk to us, bro, like there's no way we can't be your friend, we can't be your friends. Notice this about you. So, if I care about you, we're going to talk about it. You don't have a choice.
Speaker 1:I think same if I, if you you hold meaning for me and I noticed it, um, I will try to address it. Um, I think it also depends on our relationship. If I know you to be more defensive or um objectionable, um, I may try it, I may beat around the bush towards it, like, oh, you want to go, like you know, go out for dinner one time and you know, I'll try to get them into um more intimate situations where it might just come up, because I I'm always wary of offending someone, um, especially if you showed me that you're easily offended. Um, and if you are somebody I know, but maybe I'm not as comfortable just kind of like saying like hey, are you okay? Because I don't know you that well. Um, I may not say anything.
Speaker 1:Um, I'm thinking of, like like people at work or um like like family, of friends or family of family, people that you just know, kind of by association. Um, I can think of a, of a person right now who you know, I I have had a relationship with, I I have had concerns about, and I didn't say it directly to the person because I didn't feel like we had that relationship, but I said it to our mutual person like, hey, you might want to see if she'll talk to you because something's not right, like, like it's just this real toxic behaviors going on, and this person seems like they. They may very well be depressed. So, you know, maybe you can talk to them. And if you want a few, like I don't, I don't know, like not, I have no one's therapist or counselor, I have no degrees in that area, but, um, I do feel like I, I have some empathetic insight and um, we'll definitely offer, like you know, maybe start with this kind of question or something like that.
Speaker 1:You know just what I would do if they were closer to me. So, um, yeah, moving on, uh, we are almost at the end point here. Um, it's actually our final question Um, how do you feel about mental health? In, well, for you all say in, in, like colleges and schools, like high school, and um, yeah, your experience in college, and then I'll answer for, like workspace, um, yeah, um like, what, like.
Speaker 2:what do you mean in terms of?
Speaker 1:like how do you feel it's handled um addressed? Is there enough support around it? Are people hiding out and ashamed?
Speaker 2:Um, I feel like in high school it was very. We talked about it all the time, um, especially because I went to a, um, um, a white school, sorry, PWI.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, my high school was very um open about mental health and like how we could combat it. I guess they kind of called it like an epidemic because unfortunately there were a lot of suicides at my high school and our neighboring high school, so it was pretty openly talked about. Um, but that transition to college, um, when I went to an HBCU, mental health was like what girl, you're sad, like get over it. Um, and I remember my freshman year I was actually going through probably one of the roughest mental crisis. I don't even know, it was just a lot Um, and essentially they made me feel like what's that girl that had to wear the A owner?
Speaker 1:the easy A lady.
Speaker 2:But what's the story behind it? It was like the red Scarlet or something like that, who was like I don't know. Basically, they made me feel like I was, like I was not allowed on campus. You're going through all this rough time. You need to leave ended up Ostrostyze. Yeah, yeah, there we go, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I felt like they branded me with like a crazy label or something, and then I ended up having to leave campus. And I remember to come back to campus. They made me get a note from my doctor saying that I could come back to school and then I had mandatory like counseling and it just it wasn't. It didn't feel like it was coming from a good place. It felt like they were like bro, you're psychotic and you're going to be going through this whether you like it or not. That's why I will never recommend that school to anybody, because it was not a good time for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's unfortunate Cause I think, from on the one hand, it's like, yeah, we have to be mindful of the safety of everyone on campus or whatever. But yeah, I do unfortunately remember I won't say it's unfortunate, that I remember, but I do remember that unfortunate time where it was. It was almost like I felt like I was talking to like lawyers. It was almost like a legal thing, Like oh, and we have to adhere to this and you have to do all of these check these boxes and fill these forms. And it's just too bad.
Speaker 1:And I feel like, especially in the South, where at least I hear I've never lived in the South, but I hear that there's still a lot of like very religious practices and things out in the South, and especially at HBCUs, HBC, what I say, yeah, that's right. Where they have like Christian courses, like you're going to church and you're having not to, there's nothing wrong with that, it's just to each their own I feel like they're like they pray it away, Like it's like you'll be fine, God got you. Just pray, just pray on it, just pray on it. Like that's the answer to everything. And it's like, while that's all good and dandy and whatnot, I mean prayer is great, right, you still need to do the work, Like, if you need for those who are support the medication route, or you need therapy, you need counseling, you need a change in diet, you need to go outside more and get some vitamin D, Like there are other things that you need to do, and it's not this kind of occultist practice where it's like, yeah, you're a demon because you are facing depression or traumatic PTSD, I should say, and things like that. So that's really sad and there is just so much work to be done in so many areas of the systems we have here in the US, but especially around mental health and the support and resources that are available For me.
Speaker 1:I don't remember much about school as far as the medical care system, School as far as mental health and resources, wellness and all that stuff. But I do have a very a number of experiences in the workplace and I've actually been approached by people who have said that they have diagnoses but they will not disclose to the employer for fear of termination, retaliation, demotion, and so we have all of these people who have dyslexia or sensory processing disorder or ADHD, ADD, and they choose not to say anything, they struggle through it, trying to seem quote unquote normal and accept it because they are afraid of being judged. And then you have these companies that have these wellness programs and incentives where it's like you can get 10 free counseling sessions or you can get telehealth for free and reduce cost this and medical coverage care covers additional outside counseling and intensive outpatient programs and things. But don't talk too much about it. Like, go off and do it and shh, but don't ask me too many things. And for me personally, I won't get into the rant because I feel like it's something that bothers me a lot and I could grant on about it, but I won't. Is that the process to discipline, if you will? Poor performance is BS. Like there's no part of it that considers the person's mental health and wellbeing. It's.
Speaker 1:You've been here for 10 years. Your performance is dropping. What's going on? And it's not what's going on like, are you okay? It's stop now and improve it, or we're gonna start, we're gonna put you on, we're gonna do a verbal warning or a written warning or performance plan.
Speaker 1:Basically, how can we get you out of here? Because we don't wanna deal with this. It's sad, it's terrible. And then they wonder why some employees come back and they'd be upset. So, again, more work to be done in all of these spaces. So that pretty much wraps up our conversation for today. We hope that you've enjoyed talking with us, or yod and talk with us, but you can definitely leave a comment or review. We love to see it and we would love to interact more and engage with our listeners. So we'll see you on the next episode. Keep an eye out every week on Wednesdays and be sure to comment and subscribe to our Instagram page and listening on our podcast and give us some reviews and some stars. But yeah, so you take care and be well and we'll see you on the next one.
